I get really withdrawn in a creepy, eerie way. Like that episode of Ren and Stimpy where Stimpy climbs into his own belly button. I notice a lot of beauty in minutia and spend a lot of time staring at the intimate folds and tiny cillia on my beetles' antennae, and the way they react to my finger once they realize what it is. I think about a lot of pointless existential crap, and other pointless stuff like organelles and whether nuclei make decisions.
It's kind of nice, in a way. My imagination gets really intense and I'm able to focus a lot more on being creative without getting distracted by day to day things, and the amount of territory I have to cover doesn't really spread beyond what's right in front of me.
But there are a lot of downsides. When I'm interrupted from my thoughts and forced to socialize or deal with anything that requires any kind of empathy or co-operation I get really irritable. I'm comfortable with Heta, and pretty comfortable with Nina, but anyone else coming into my vicinity is violently unwanted. Being in crowded grocery store is horrible, being in the elevator with a stranger is horrible, having someone over at my house that I don't consider part of my tiny world when I can't just run into a room and lock the door is horrible.
People are horrible, I sort of dispise them for a lot of things that are just assumptions or non-avoidable things. I just look at them as lumps of flesh that go through life eating each other and spreading disease and pain and it's easier for me to forget that they are much more worthy and beautiful than that. :/ It's shameful, but it's true. This is the kind of person I am without medication.
It gets hard to overlook the disgusting parts of people that makes me want to smash them like bugs before I even bother getting to know them. The more time I spend doing ANYTHING other than quietly drawing or cuddled up to my beautiful wife, the more irritable and rubbed-raw I feel.
It helps that, while I have been on medication, it made me more social and I was able to collect quite a few followers on DA who I honestly feel to be good people. I often find myself reverting to nicer thoughts about people when I remember the way I have been treated here, and reminds me that the love and acceptance (Regardless of my flaws and pitfalls) I have been shown isn't something to be squandered.
For some reason, without my medication to regulate my sleep and emotions, I forget this, and then kick myself for it. It shouldn't be something that should ever be overlooked, and I'm no picnic either.